In case there was any confusion over why the name of the blog is “STALK”…
Before I started this blog, I had another one in high school. I followed guys around at my school and documented their behaviors. (Shoutout to Lauren who co-wrote it with me!). If you stalk me hard enough, I’m sure you’ll be able to find it.
However, my voyeuristic tendencies started well before the age of 17. I have a constant craving for male attention, and I frequently become obsessed with certain guys. Below, I’ve provided a timeline of every boy / man who has ever fallen prey to my daddy issues. Without these characters I would not be the person I am today.
Important note: I have not hooked up with any of the below guys (okay…maybe like one or two MAX). Obsessions usually do not equal love interests.
1993: My dad, aka “Baby Daddy.” He is everything I look for in man. A former Wolf of Wall Street (not exaggerating), we now bond over Lifetime Movies when we’re not making fun of other people or eating at iHOP.
2002: Construction guy. After moving into a Tennessee McMansion, the construction workers still hung around to do some final touchups. I quickly became intrigued by one of them and would watch him from behind my window sill while he hammered away on the roof. Definitely the shit horror movies are made of.
2007: Emo kid. He served ice cream near my summer house in middle of nowhere Tennessee. His coworker once caught me filming him with my huge ass video camera and I got chased out of the shop. 5 years later we crossed paths again and I told him I still had that video. Honestly shocked he hasn’t pressed any charges.
2009: Hallam. Poor guy is the single most stalked guy on this entire list. My sister and I have chased him down in our car, screamed his name in public places, given him love notes, made a Facebook fan page for him, and stood outside his apartment in New York waiting for him to come out. He is def an honorary member of the obsession list for life.
2009: Mickey F. “Oh was that you? I thought you were a dog,” were the first words I said to him. Over the next few years he proceeded to become a part of my family, coming over every night to drink beer and smoke cigs on our back porch. His life goal was to become a fraternity bro, but in 2015 he suddenly disappeared off the face of the planet, and no one ever heard from him again.
2010: Charshall. One of the first users of Twitter. I used GPS to find his house, which was conveniently located down the road from our boarding school.
2010: Pscans. The director of my study abroad program in Italy. I wrote his name in pencil on the side of the school building. Two days later he called me into his office and handed me an eraser. He also banned me from taking photos of him and still cringes during the multiple occasions I’ve come back to visit.
2010: Italian host brother. Literally was in love with him until one day I realized he wasn’t that great after all. I used to place a dildo under his pillow every night before he went to sleep.
2011: Bruff. Okay this one actually isn’t a human. It’s the cafeteria at Tulane University, where I attended for one year of college. The food was complete shit, but I couldn’t stop going. I even made a Facebook profile for it just so we could become “FB official.” Come to think of it, that profile is still out there somewhere…
2012: Dr. CC. After taking psychology class freshman year of college, I realized my personality definitely resembled over half of the mood disorders in the textbook. I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist, Dr. CC, who made me realize getting blackout drunk every weekend probably wasn’t the best thing for my anxiety. I still freak out every time his name comes online on Skype.
2013: Matteorrr. His drink of choice is 2 cups of iced (never hot) coffee every morning, and he is the only boy to ever sit through multiple episodes of Sex and the City with me. Also, his Instagram captions never cease to entertain. A major turning point of our relationship was when I screamed at him “Tell me you love me!” over and over again whilst intoxicated.
2014: KP. His claim to fame is having worked at the Ralph Lauren outlet in New Jersey one summer. I haven’t seen him in over a year, but he still comes to me asking for relationship advice every few months….bad bad idea KP.
2014: Chandla. Found this kid in a vintage shop and promptly stopped him from buying a hideous blazer from 1988. He DJs at a hookah bar, which is cool AF. He also tried to get me to go on a “short hike” with him in the woods at 2am in early January until my dad threatened to call the cops.
2015: Caravaggio. Another Italian of course. On the first day of college he introduced himself as “Hi. My name is ___, I’m 26 and I’m bored.” I immediately fell in love. However, he is prone to a short temper and once told me to “get the fuck out” of his house.
2016: Roga. My grad school professor. I only talk to him in a voice that’s a mix between those of Ja’mie King and Rebel Wilson. He let me into the school because of my blog, so he can’t possibly think I’m that psycho, right?
2016: Xtian. Never without a cig in his mouth or a pile of empty pizza boxes scattered throughout his room. While walking behind him I like to sing the Tyra Banks anthem “You better work the hallway like a runway!”
***NOTE: this list was VERY edited. I could go on for 5 more pages at least.
If you know me personally and think I missed anyone of major significance, message me and I’ll maybe consider adding names.