At every point in a blog’s life it must evolve and grow larger. In photos I look put together, but in real life I’m actually a very lazy person. It may come as a shock, but there are some days when I don’t want to come home from work/school and psychoanalyze myself for a new blog post. I just want to sit in bed and swipe through guys on Tinder and Bumble, while laughing and taking screen shots of all the losers I encounter. But my readers want more content is what I’ve been told recently, so I’m bringing in the troops. STALK is now welcoming contributors who are just as unfiltered and hilarious as I am, and the first one is Hannah Rogers.
Hannah is a bad betch—she’s basically the more alcoholic, British version of myself. We met on our fashion journalism course at Central Saint Martins, and we immediately bonded over our past history of therapy sessions and our taste for men who seem like a good idea at the time, but in reality are really bad for us.
One afternoon last week, Hannah and I found ourselves both on Bumble in the library when we should have been writing our dissertations. “Ahahahhah look at this guy. He says his age is 22 but he can’t be a day older than 12,” I laughed while holding my phone screen out to her. “Ughh..this guy looks kind of short, I don’t know what to do,” she said of her most recent match. After a whole afternoon of this back and forth, we had come up with a solution. Instead of complaining about how clueless guys are on dating apps, we decided we should try to help them out. Consider it our charity work for 2016.
So all men who may be reading this, listen up. Hannah and I are about to give you a step by step guide over how to win over our hearts (and other body parts I won’t name) just by uploading a few hot pics and a clever bio of yourself online. Because who ever actually meets people in real life anymore?
I. Don’t have pictures with other girls.
Hannah: Is she your ex-girlfriend? I don’t care if you’re hanging out with 10 other bitches, I don’t think that’s impressive. Alice what are your views on this?
Alice : It’s kind of like…is she your sister or is she your hookup?
II. No baby pics
Hannah: Why are they helpful? Are you trying to show me how our children are going to look like? Do you look so bad now that you have to remind us of what you looked like when you were four?
Alice: I don’t want to think about being a mom for at least another 20 years. AT LEAST.
III. Why are you never the cute one in group photos?
Hannah: you put a pic up with like 4 or 5 guys, and then I continue to scroll through and I’m like “Oh wait, you’re not the hot one. You’re the short one. This is why you have to show your pic with other people.”
Alice: Basically if there’s a pic with a ton of guys, you can bet 100% he’s the hideous one.
IV. Why so many selfies?
Hannah: I mean, we take selfies. Alice takes tons of selfies.
Alice: But you don’t want the guy to be self absorbed. You want him to be obsessed with you.
Hannah: Exactly, and it’s like how many times did you take that photo? I know how long it takes to take a selfie, and it takes a ton of time.
V. Where is your face?
Hannah: And on the subject of faces, where is your face? Why is it covered by sunglasses? Why is there an image of like half your face? Why is that useful to me?! I’m not gonna date half your face.
Alice: There was this one guy, and I could only see a part of his face and I was like “I guess that’s kinda hot…”
Hannah: And then there’s three photos with sunglasses on, and the next one is without but it’s like “Ohhh you’ve got weird eyes.”
Alice: Yeah. Never put sunglasses, there’s no telling what’s behind them.
VI. Have a bio
Hannah: Just your face, where you work and how many miles you are from me isn’t particularly handy. I like to know that the guy I talk to is going to be at least a little interesting.
Alice: Yeah, but still make sure he doesn’t live in Morden (aka no man’s land at the outskirts of London for all you Americans.)
Hannah: Yes, you must live in Zone 1 or 2. Also put your height. I’m a tall girl but I recently had a date where the guy turned up and he was shorter than me. This was NOT okay, this was NOT clarified. I clearly look tall in my photos, I have my height in my bio.
Alice: I was on that same date and he was def balding as well.
VII. Don’t say, “Just here having fun”
Hannah: Hmm…we’re all here having fun.
Alice: But then you don’t want to say “I’m looking for something serious” either, because that’s just creepy. Kinda clingy too
VIII. Emoji use
Hannah: We don’t mind emojis but use them too much and you comes across a little girly. I came across a guy’s profile and it said “I’m an animal lover” and he went on to use 4-5 different animal emojis in his profile. Immediately I was like no. I like animals but that’s too much.
Alice: a few in the chat are okay, but honestly….
Hannah: I think you have to be intelligent enough to pick up on what
someone’s saying without the use of emojis.
Alice: Yeah, they’re a little preteen.
IMPORTANT UPDATE: Since Alice wrote this article, she has gone on a real Bumble date. His profile fit all of her credentials but in the end she was catfished (we’ll get more into that in a different post). It just goes to show, you can never be entirely sure if someone is normal just by looking at their online profile. She is deleting all dating apps once again.
With contributions by Hannah Rogers